Happy National Plant Milk Day! For some reason, the powers that be decided that today was National Plant Milk day, giving me the exciting opportunity to compare books to types of milks. It seems to be a truth universally acknowledged that as young middle schoolers, we all chose one book series to get irrationally obsessed with and base our entire personality around. Regardless of what that book was, we invested way too much of our time into it. Today, I’m going to be talking about which type of milk each of these foundational middle school reads would be.
Pretty Little Liars: Soy Milk
Soy milk and Pretty Little Liars have everything in common. They’re both smooth, easy to consume, and leave a horrible aftertaste once you’re done. They were all the rage when they first came out, but now it’s just like… we all know that we could do better. Pretty Little Liars and soy milk should have ended way before they did (both the tv show, the book series, and the milk) but somehow they continued and somehow we kept consuming them, despite all of the better options on the market.
Little Women: Dairy Milk
Sorry not sorry. Little Women is the dairy milk of teenage book series. It’s a classic, it’s old fashioned, it’s as if you’re milking the cow right there on the farm. Honestly, it might even be a little more similar to goats milk, but that wasn’t a category. Did I read Little Women and proceed to force everyone to call me Jo for a week? Yes. But that was the same year that I would chug a class of milk every night in under 6 seconds, so my high regard isn’t really something you want.
The Clique: Coconut Milk
I don’t know if The Clique is a book universally admired for the impact it had on young girls, but it is a book series that I admire for the impact it had on me, and for that reason and that reason alone it makes the list. I read all 15 of the main series plus the summer series books, plus the Cliquetionary, which was just a dictionary of words spelled wrong. The Clique is like coconut milk because it is delicious and smooth and teaches you all the important things there are to know about middle school. It’s the series you read when you’re in the mood for a pina colada, or perhaps a delicious thai curry. It’s the highlight of all nondairy milks.
Babysitters Club: Oat Milk
Perhaps the most versatile of all nondairy milks is Oat Milk, and perhaps the most beloved is The Babysitters Club. I first stumbled upon my mother’s copy of these books in our attic as a child, and I devoured them all instantly. They will withstand the test of time because there’s something for everyone. Whether you’re a Stacey, a Kristy, or a Claudia, this is the least offensive possible milk/book combo you could find.
Warriors: Almond Milk
To those of you that were ~tomboys~ don’t worry, I didn’t forget about you. Warriors books are almond milk because they’re incredible, but there’s just a slightly weird taste that you can’t really get over. Warrior cats kids are the weirdos, the ones who swung on the monkey bars instead of talking to boys at recess, they’re the freaks who drink nondairy milk straight up even though there’s really no point. I was a proud Warriors kid, and I will continue to order almond milk in my lattes.