Absolutely no one asked for this, but I woke up and chose chaos. This really needs no introduction; here are all of the Sims 4 Townies from the Base Game (meaning excluding townies that come with expansion packs) and whether or not I would let them take me home. Obviously, teens and children are excluded. 

Bella Goth: 100 PERCENT. ALL DAY. ALL NIGHT. She gives off major mommy energy and I am down BAD for her. You know I am right, Simmers. No one can prove me wrong, because I am correct. 

Bob Pancakes: I am going back and forth on this, but I would say pass on Bob. He has the gloomy trait and I have retired from the “crying after having sex” era of my life. I wish him all the best, though. 

Zoe Patel: Smash. She is a BAD BITCH. I get major versatile energy from her and I think we would have fun switching things up in the bedroom. 

Johnny Zest: I think this may be unpopular, but I would absolutely smash. He gives me the vibe of a man who keeps a mini fridge full of snacks next to the bed to share after a mediocre night together. And honestly, if there are snacks, the quality of the sex means very little to me. 

Summer Holiday: Pass. She gives me “high school mean girl who became a nurse and sells LulaRoe” and I just cannot put myself through that again. 

Don Lothario: Pass, however if ALL the Calientes are banging this man, I do have to wonder if he is good in bed. He can probably put it down but I just cannot get past his general vibe of douchebaggery. 

J Huntington III: Not with a ten foot pole. This man looks like a pompous frat boy who has never struggled in his entire life and he would bore me to death with the intricate details of tennis and the stock market. Not my idea of a good time. 

Eliza Pancakes: My most controversial take: SMASH. I have a thing for mean redheads and Eliza just fits that bill. I would let her flatten me into a pancake. No shame here. 

Nancy Landgraab: Pass. I almost said smash, but I just cannot get past the rich white woman angle. I feel like she would be mean and not in a fun way like Eliza. 

Travis Scott: SMASH. Honestly, my Sims almost always get married and have kids with Travis. I feel like he is down for anything. Also, I love a man in a good sweater. Sue me!

Alice Spencer-Kim: I will say pass but only because I do not know enough about her. I want to know her hopes, her wants, her dreams (and her kinks) and I feel like I lack that data. 

Mortimer Goth: Pass, but only because he is so obsessed with his wife. He is a wife guy who is ACTUALLY a wife guy. I feel like he may enjoy a bit of voyeurism though, so that is on the list of options!

Katrina Caliente: Shocking considering my take on Eliza, but I would pass on Katrina. I feel like she lacks the fiery personality that would make me weak in the knees. 

Liberty Lee: Smash. She is a loyal friend and my Sims often enjoy becoming Friends with Benefits with her. I respect her bold choice of a chicken nugget tee. 

Gavin Richards: Honestly, smash. He gives off major shy guy energy and I like that about him. I frequently “adopt” introverts and I think he would benefit from a couple nights with me. 

Nina Caliente: Smash. By far the best looking Caliente and I just feel like she would smack me around and dominate me and I need that in my life. Also, again, I have a thing for redheads. 

Dina Caliente: Pass. She is mature in a bad way. She would kink shame me, but not in the fun domination way. Not my idea of a good time. 

Eric Lewis: Smash. I don’t know what it is about this man but he is SERIOUSLY underrated in the Sims 4 community. It’s abhorrent. I think he is owed a good time, and I am prepared to give it to him. 

Vivian Lewis: Gives me major elder lesbian energy, which is an immediate smash. I feel like she would make me tea after an incredible night of and I need that in my life.

Geoffrey Landgraab: Hell to the no. Absolutely not. This rat faced capitalist can go fuck himself because we know Nancy isn’t.

Mitchell Kalani: SMASH. This man gives off the energy that he knows how to put it DOWN. I feel he is another criminally underrated hottie. Stop sleeping on this man. 

Dennis Kim: Pass, only because the things I am into would 100% send this man into cardiac arrest, and sweetie, I do not want that for him. What a sweet old man he is. Protect him at all costs.